The average man just doesn’t understand the whole concept of flirting. In fact, most men, women have reported, confuse it for foreplay.

Dude, just because she is shyly stealing glances at you doesn’t mean you are going to get laid. I have seen men make fools of themselves enough times. Gentlemen, just because she winked at you from the other end of the room, don’t rush over and sheepishly ask, “Your place or mine” She will be horrified, and might even slap you very hard.

Flirt with caution

Most men approach flirting with the same strategy. Random optimism with no caution. In a country that has its fair share of misfits, flirting could get you screwed in more ways than one. Flirting can be disastrous and a cause of grievous bodily harm. There too many cases of mixed signals gone wrong.

She was smiling at the hulk standing directly behind you in the coffee house, and you mistook her flash of perfectly lined white teeth as an invitation to her table moments before her husband, an ex bouncer who earned a living thumping people announced his presence with a fist to your jaw.

Biggest fear

As a rule of survival, flirting is for single people. Married people who flirt outrageously are walking in the valley of temptation where the devil lurks. If you are a nothing-special-about-him kind of guy, have no worries, you are not alone.

Most men will learn how to flirt by error and deep trials. Years of cheesy moves have created this expectation that any friendly female could be making a move or throwing a hint. But distinguishing a friendly gesture from genuine flirtation is akin to reading the Morse code: Get one signal wrong and there is a real threat in your hands.

The biggest fear of male flirts is not the rejection. It is the fear of the other men who get ridiculously territorial. Somewhere in our ethics code, we all agreed that it was okay to beat up someone found disturbing your lady. Men have lost limbs for less and flirty women have encountered hostile opposition from possessive wives.

Desperate singles

That said, flirtation is a necessary first step in a country filled with desperate singles and it helps gauge potential mates. Every likely relationship begins with flirtation. But if you ever hope to make any headway in dating circles, a man or woman for the matter has to learn how to break the ice or live a life marked by a series of missed connections and opportunities. To clean up your flirtation basics, we put together an extensive list of Dos and Don’ts.

  1. Do not drink and text. Sending a racy text to your office crush after four shots of tequila, should not be interpreted as a flirty behaviour. Confessions made in text after 6pm that involve dirty thoughts are best kept in your head. Avoid whatsapp groups unless you want end up with Brother Ocholla Cloud Nine drama. Remember the case of a man caught unleashing deep sexual innuendoes in a church group, who ended up as a trending roasting topic. Anything written is a public record and in the era of sexual harassment, your enthusiasm to get the next desirable female in bed could land you in a court room.
  2. Do not ever say, ”Hey sexy” and wink. Don’t run your tongue over your lips or blow air kisses. All of the above are cheesy. Stick with eye contact and hope for progress. Cheesy lines do not work either. When an airhostess ask whether you would like some headphones, do not be tempted to reply “How did you know my name was Phone”
  3. Do not ever send nude selfies. Teenagers may be excused for unrestrained horniness, but a picture of good old ‘John Thomas’ at full mast and in all his glory will come back to haunt you.

No woman in her right mind will delete the picture before asking the committee of friends for an in-depth opinion on the latest pervert on her blacklist. A man’s member is as big as he thinks it is, so rein in that ego.

Women should never send pictures of their naked parts even when a potential crush begs for a peek unless you want his entire gang checking you out the next day with eyes that say, “We saw, we liked, we want it too”.

Originally posted on SDE